You’ve been on the darkweb trying to solicit trash pickup. —Logan Elliott

You have told more than one Californian that Baked on 8th isn’t a dispensary. —Ashley Haskins

Your church has the best cult documentary. —Allison Lund

You’ve mistakenly pulled over for a transportainment fire truck. Twice. —Ashley Haskins

You got crapped on by purple martins and still went to enjoy Bach’s Concerto. —Rick Guiden

Nashvillians, by and large, are on the same page this year.

Submissions in the Scene’s annual “You Are So Nashville If …” contest — in which we ask our readers to complete that iconic if elusive sentiment — always run the gamut. But a handful of topics have popped up frequently in recent years. Bachelorettes. Transpotainment. Tall-and-skinny new builds. Bird scooters. Kid Rock sucking. And that’s not to mention the evergreen topics that have appeared every year for decades — Dolly Parton, cowboy boots, megachurches and the like.

Judging by the 2022 YASNI entries, Nashville has a few issues on its mind more than any of the above this year — namely, a proposed new Titans stadium, affordable housing, Californians moving to town, and trash. Of this year’s 1,200-plus submissions, roughly three dozen were about new stadiums (both Nashville SC’s Geodis Park and the divisive plan for a new home for the Tennessee Titans). Trailing just behind stadium talk in popularity were submissions about skyrocketing housing costs, Californian transplants and the city’s recycling and trash pickup woes. After that, grumbling about tourists, congressional redistricting, Airbnbs and, yes, Kid Rock.

As ever, your friends here at the Nashville Scene combed through all the submissions, and after a punishing daylong meeting fighting it out, narrowed the list down to about 150 entries that are funny, original, incisive or, ideally, some combination of the three. Below, find our first-place winner and our honorable mentions, along with everything else that made the cut. Also below, our list of particularly earnest entries — that is, the ones that weren’t exactly funny but were just too damn wholesome to do away with altogether — and everyone’s favorites, the Weirdies. 

More unites us than separates us, it would seem. And what unites Nashville? Residents who care about our past, are concerned about our future, and are willing to laugh about our present. So join us in having a laugh, and see what made the cut for the 34th annual “You Are So Nashville If …” issue. —D. PATRICK RODGERS, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

You’ve been on the darkweb trying to solicit trash pickup. —Logan Elliott

You’ve been on the darkweb trying to solicit trash pickup. —Logan Elliott

In October, Metro’s longtime trash-collection contractor Red River Waste Solutions filed for bankruptcy. The company had long struggled to keep up with its assigned routes in some areas of town. But in late 2021, the trouble became widespread. Overflowing cans toppled. Neighborhoods were besieged by flies. Untold pounds of kitty litter baked in the sun. Creatures of the night feasted on our excess. We shuffled hopefully to the curb each morning, only to meet the grim face of our city’s failure. 

OK, maybe we’re being hyperbolic. But the situation was bad enough that Metro diverted recycling trucks to haul trash. Metro Water Services stepped up to take over some of Red River’s routes, and the city hired an emergency vendor to make up the difference.

Things have more or less evened out. By February, curbside recycling resumed, and we’re back to the occasional late pickup, rather than the clusterfuck of last year. Currently, Red River and Waste Management continue to collect our refuse, and Red River is being courted by some buyers. 

We received 12 entries about trash pickup in this year’s YASNI contest, and Logan Elliott’s submission carried the day. Elliott is a Nashville native. He went to college at MTSU and has lived in Middle Tennessee his whole life. Like many longtime Nashvillians, he has concerns about the city’s growth and the people it is leaving behind. “You don’t need the government to look out for the people with the power,” he says. “You need the government to look out for the people who are going to get trampled by it.” 

We may have our differences. But for one brief window of time, the people of Nashville’s General Services District were united. From Green Hills to Bordeaux, Antioch, Inglewood and beyond, we listened for the groans and clamors of garbage trucks, and prayed for relief. ERICA CICCARONE 

You can’t wait for the second season of Crazy Parents of Williamson County School Board Meetings. —C. Gabriel

Your church has the best cult documentary. —Allison Lund

Your church has the best cult documentary. —Allison Lund

Ryan Tannehill isn’t even in the top 20 men representing your state who let you down in 2021. —Daniel Ryan

It’s year three of COVID and your government still refers to a testing site as “the former K-Mart.” —Allison Lott

You got crapped on by purple martins and still went to enjoy Bach’s Concerto. —Rick Guiden

You got crapped on by purple martins and still went to enjoy Bach’s Concerto. —Rick Guiden

CMA Fest should be renamed January Sixth: The Musical. —Ashley Haskins

You wonder if Mick Jagger needed a tetanus shot after visiting the scrap yard. —Leslie Hales

It’s easier to move a stadium 100 yards than a football. —Allison Lund

You’re excited for the newest Sean Brock restaurant concept, where he comes to your house on a fixed-gear bicycle and charges you $400 a person for a bag of his grandmother’s sawdust. —Andy Gasparini

You have told more than one Californian that Baked on 8th isn’t a dispensary. —Ashley Haskins

You have told more than one Californian that Baked on 8th isn’t a dispensary. —Ashley Haskins

You got your hip replaced at the old Belle Meade Harris Teeter. —Trent Hanner

You thought Robby Starbuck was the coffee shop next to the sketchy Walmart. —Jim Flautt

You thought you were in line for Ryman tickets, but it turned out it was for a spot at a day care slated to open in 2027. —Daniel Ryan

You’ve mistakenly pulled over for a transportainment fire truck. Twice. —Ashley Haskins

You’ve mistakenly pulled over for a transportainment fire truck. Twice. —Ashley Haskins

You have Marsha Blackburn’s Senate office number stored in your phone and you call her way more than your mom. —Stephanie Burset

Your bumper sticker says “Buy Local” but your porch says “Amazon.” —Bob Ward

You go to your allergist more than your therapist. —Leslie Hales

You check your Zillow estimate every day to see if you can afford to move to a blue state yet. —JJ Wright

You could barely afford it when you got here, and now you can’t afford to leave. —Allison Everett

You can’t afford to buy your own house. —Jesse Newkirk

You can’t complete this prompt anymore because your city no longer has an identity or distinctive characteristics. —Charlie Harris

You aren’t religious, but still try to act a little less drunk around Soccer Moses. —David Madeira

Soccer Moses is your small-group leader. —Susan Houston

Your bassist is also your barber is also your soccer mascot. —Jess Y

You held a Nextdoor watch party for your Ring camera. —Chris Lewis

You immediately had a list of places overlooked when the Scene released their RIP Old Nashville shirt. —Sean Jewett

You can name more closed music venues than open ones. —Jeff Loudon

Your buses serve beer and your ren faire doesn’t. —JJ Wright

You wish the Puritans running the now alcohol-free ren faire would leave for the New World already. —JJ Wright

Your congressional district and your reproductive rights got gerrymandered and all you got was a Whataburger. —Andy Gasparini

Your next-door neighbor is in a different congressional district. —Charlie High

You got gerrymandered out of entering this contest. —Drew Maynard

You just moved to town to run for Congress. —Nate Griffin

Your likely congressman-to-be has already blocked you on Twitter. —Paul McCoy

You can’t remember if your new congressional district bans books or burns books. —David Fox

On Friday you went to Kid Rock’s Vape Room and G-String Review, and on Saturday you went to Mt. Juliet to burn books. —Nate Griffin

Your dog is a perfectly healthy weight at your Mt. Juliet vet, but needs to lose a few pounds at the 12South vet. —Leslie Hales

You went to the Nashville subreddit looking for restaurant recommendations, and they sent you to a Chili’s. —Andy Gasparini

You were conceived, born, married and buried at the West End Chili’s. —C. Gabriel

You called Codes on the elderly Black couple next door because their uncut grass is obscuring your Black Lives Matter sign. —Radley Balko

You don’t go to restaurant openings, you go to restaurant closings. —Megan Minarich

You lament the closing of a restaurant that you visited twice in its 30 years of operation. —Daniel Ryan

You know what? Just give Isbell the Ryman. The whole goddamn thing. He lives there now. —Andy Gasparini

You’ve asked @NashSevereWx if it will rain in a very specific location. —Russell Ries

While everyone is lining up for the Wings mural, you’re looking to get good shots of all the “Moist” tags. —Andy Gasparini

You can remember when the only coyotes within the city limits were at Y107. —Julio LaPeppercorn

You’ve gone to Cook Out more than actual cookouts. —Patrick Voltz

Your rent went up 15 percent since you submitted your YASNI entry. —Clifton Kaiser

You own a Tye Dye Mary. —Coral Kanies

You thought Garth Brooks already had a bar on Broadway. Hell, who can keep up? —Daniel Ryan

You appreciate the irony of dodging potholes on your way to Bridgestone Arena. —Andy Gasparini

You were happy to see “pothole aversion tips” on the revised TN drivers handbook. —Ray Shelide

Dual potholes corrected your car’s alignment. —Ashley Haskins

You’re so deep in the pothole you can’t get a signal. —Mindy Winningham

You know there’s no way the World Cup is going to pick a host city where the stadium’s most identifying feature is a Logan’s Roadhouse. —Andy Gasparini

You really hope there aren’t any cherry trees on the site of the new Titans stadium. —Jamie Yost

Your football stadium has to be “first class” while the rest of your city is in coach. —Todd Faulkner

You still dodge snowballs from the polar bears. —Daniel Smith

You make a map for Hot Chicken Week every year like you’re navigating Bonnaroo. —Matthew Rewinski

You keep a note on your phone of your preferred heat level at each of your favorite hot chicken joints around town. —Julie Davenport

You wonder who thought it was a good idea to put Nashville hot chicken joints in the airport. —Bob Ward

You know it’s just a matter of time until you can buy a Nashville Hot Chicken Goo Goo Cluster. —Allison Everett

Your favorite public art is still the East Bank scrap metal yard. —Charlie Harris

You only listen to country stars who don’t have their own downtown bar. —Thomas Still

You think Geodis isn’t as good a band since Phil Collins left. —Ken Lass

Hi, Homeowner! We are contacting you to see if you are interested in selling your property located at … —Allison Everett

You get songwriting inspiration from Wordle. —Ken Lass

You literally fell off the wagon on Broadway. —Allison Lund

You never got your dog muzzle from Amazon. —Nate Griffin

You paid $1.5M for your 1,800-square-foot house and there are three other houses on your eighth-acre lot! —Mary DiVittorio

You’re still not over being jilted by IKEA. —Stephen Yeargin

You’re actually low-key impressed Tre Hargett was even at Bonnaroo. —Jesse Newkirk

I’ll say it. Mike Vrabel is a little snack. —Jamie Yost

Percy shines your shoes. —Ned Benz

You’re a junior software developer with two Grammys. —Holly Murphy

You aspire to have the confidence and calm of those who cross Gallatin Avenue like it’s a desolate country backroad. —Charlie Harris

You watched The Way Down to see how much Phil Williams was in it. —Sean Jewett

You spent an entire Zoom therapy session discussing The Way Down. —Ashley Haskins

You desperately need to know if Gwen Shamblin and Marsha Blackburn shared a hairstylist. —Ashley Haskins

You’ve added Marsha Blackburn tweets to your deck of Cards Against Humanity. —Ashley Haskins

Your senator can’t define woman. —Allison Lund

You’ve survived floods, bombs, guns, tornadoes and a literal plague but not this housing market. —Mike Dorr

You hold the door for all the single moms you evict. —Brett Rosenberg

All this hate for tall-skinnies makes you wonder if Nashville has a real estate problem or body dysmorphia. —Katie Wesolek

Yelling at Preds games is part of your mental health routine. —Abby Comm

You had to take a mental health day after Pekka Rinne retired. —Justin Bradford

You went to a Predators game just to get Rotiers. —Nate Griffin

You sent your YASNI submission while waiting on a freight train to move. —Stephen Yeargin

“Willie Nelson” is an accepted unit of measurement when referring to Gas, Housing Market, Inflation and Bill Lee. —Ashley Haskins

Your rooftop bar has a rooftop bar. —Allison Lund

You’ve given up all hopes of a Ric Flair sighting brought about by atmospheric “woo-ing.” —Patrick Voltz

You sat in line on Buchanan Street for two-plus hours to get a $5 fish sandwich at Ed’s. —Daniel Ryan

You keep guns on the streets via unlocked cars! —Rose Poland

Your church has a merchandise stand. —Tim Hall

You tithe your 10 percent nowadays at drag brunches. —Heather Burwell

Your team regularly disappoints, but the national anthem never does. —Allison Everett

You got your Roze Pony cocktail to go so you could beat the pickup line at Julia Green. —Hudson Byrd

When you bought your house near the fairgrounds, you never imagined that renting your driveway would be a lucrative side hustle. —Andy Gasparini

Most of your time at a concert is discussing the mix with your fellow audio snobs. —Daniel Ryan

You showed up for a pro-choice rally and ended up at a Sara Beth Myers stump speech. —Daniel Ryan

You went shopping at Bass Pro Shops and they didn’t even have any regular guitars in stock. —Kenneth Anchor

Your favorite pizza place closes because all the staff is on tour. —Katie Miller

Your realtor subbed on drums in your band. —Blaise Gratton

You divine that “no cover” at the door means “all covers” on the stage. —Patrick Voltz

You want the full tea about the girl who found out her boyfriend was cheating on her with a girl he adopted a dog with from the Nashville Humane Association. —Leslie Hales

You don’t know exactly how, but you’re convinced the Exit/In is still getting screwed. —Allison Lund

You’ve wondered if the VERN graffiti is a grassroots tribute to Ernest P. Worrell. —Clifton Kaiser

You think that they should put a Thai place in between Winners and Losers. —Patrick Voltz

Every time there’s a huge rainstorm you worry about the Schemerhorn piano. —Jeff Shearer

You’ve heard saxophonist Ayy Willé perform with every hip-hop artist in the city. —Marissa Campbell

The turn signal is in your mind. —Jason Marsden

Your neighborhood’s gonna get those sidewalks real soon, we promise, this time we mean it, we just have to build one more new stadium first, we swear. —JJ Wright

You’ve told your friends that “Madison is basically East Nashville.” —Daniel Ryan

The only thing reliably collecting trash in this town are the pedal taverns. —Stephen Yeargin

You’ve learned so much more than you ever wanted to know about how trash pickup works. —Matthew Rewinski

You can sell your house faster than you can get your curbside trash picked up. —Julie Davenport

Your trash and recycling just got picked up from December 2021. —Ben Gatlin

You go to the Hendersonville Walmart just to listen to Creed without judgment. —Ashley Haskins

You ever told your hair stylist to “give me the Vicki Yates.”—Mark Anundson

Your DA won’t prosecute marijuana cases or police officers. —Daniel Ryan

You’re a Republican who won’t vote for Mayor Cooper because of how he handled the epidemic or a Democrat who won’t vote for Mayor Cooper because of how he handled the epidemic. —Gregory Delzer

You’ve gotten Chick-Fil-A on the way to a Pride event. —Matthew Rewinski

You know the Grand Ole Opry is a show and not a building. —Kevin Kenworthy

You know that when they demolish the James K. Polk Theater, TPAC will be homeless and subsequently arrested by order of our governor. —Andy Gasparini

You’ve followed a Metro Council meeting on Twitter just to see what shade @startleseasily will throw. —Daniel Ryan

You are super excited about the comeback of South Street, and you … wait … Steve Smith … um, yeah never mind. —Allison Lund

You tried to ban students from reading this issue. —Jamie Yost

Your local daily paper has abdicated its journalistic responsibilities, so now the local alt-weekly is Nashville’s paper of record. —Nate Griffin

You feel like you’re cheating on Christie when you eat Crumbl. —Trent Hanner

Or “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Transpotainment.” —Daniel Ryan

You’ve almost finished your existential tragicomic play, Waiting for Google Fiber. —JJ Wright

You’ve written your Cash App account on your car just to see if it works. —Russell Ries

You had an investor make a cash offer on your pile of empty Amazon boxes. —Ashley Haskins

You’ve ever wondered where the heck you were in the city because you were somewhere on Old Hickory Boulevard. —Murphy Gill

You remember when the most exotic restaurant to eat at on the East Side was Calypso Cafe. —Amy Smith

You will fondly remember the nervous terror of waiting in line to order at Joey’s House of Pizza. —Andy Gasparini

You’re at least a little bit in love with the sound of Marquis Munson’s voice. —Becca Andrews

You’re suddenly nostalgic about the view of downtown from where I-65N merges with I-40W. —Mark E

The name of your business is a bunch of consonants and no vowels. —Wando Weaver

You have a tally of how many times John Oliver mentions Nashville or Tennessee during each week of Last Week Tonight. —Leslie Hales

You’re nominating West End fast food eateries to be on the next Nashville Nine. —Trent Hanner

You regularly petition City Hall for the construction of a Joker Building. —Patrick Voltz

You’re still really, really trying to like Moon Taxi. —Jesse Newkirk

Your neighborhood Kroger has a bachelorette section next to the seasonal items. —Lightning de La Flame

You go to Scottsdale for your bachelorette party. —Jan Bell

You’ve run out of jokes about bachelorettes, tall-and-skinnies, scooters, traffic, Broadway and Kid Rock, but are still sitting on a few about Antioch. —Jeremy Estes

Your idea of foreplay is a Duke’s sandwich at 1 a.m. —Rie Schaffer

You’re more popular for being racist than for your music. —Allison Lund

You can’t drive around town without pointing out where every Krystal used to be. —Charlie Harris

You take the WeGo to WeHo to avoid the sh!t show on SoBro. —Daniel Smith

You have finally conceded that “North Gulch” actually exists. —Daniel Ryan

You love the fact that there’s still a Claire’s at the Mall at Green Hills, and that it’s directly underneath Gucci. —Trent Hanner

You see the new license plates as “Incognito Mode” for driving through Belle Meade. —Andy Gasparini

Your new neighbors all have surfboards. —Rick Guiden

You bought a Dodgers hat just to fit in. —Will Adams

Argh argh the Californians argh argh. —Jesse Newkirk

You love people that come here from other countries, but hate people that come here from other states. —David Madeira

You want to umpire Clay Travis’ kid’s next game. —Robert Vogt

You stopped by the new fast-casual restaurant built in your neighborhood to find out it was actually someone’s new house. —Whitney Beard

It’s always “What is your music career doing?” and never “How is bartending going?” —Ashley Haskins

How many fucking Deltas do we need before we can just decriminalize weed once and for all? —Andy Gasparini

Your state legislature thinks it’s your city’s HOA. —C. Gabriel

Every member of your party ended up at the same Taco Bell after dropping $600 at Audrey. —Ashley Haskins

You ask your college kid to give their old bedroom a five-star rating on Airbnb. —Debbie Emory-Utzig

You list your home in Columbia as “Downtown Nashville Adjacent.” —Thomas Still

You sold without the intel. —Zack Bennett

You’d join a dating app that matches based on your Waffle House order. —Ashley Haskins

You have been hired by, and subsequently quit, the mayor’s office in the last 12 months. —Daniel Ryan

You exit Broadway faster than Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. —Patrick Voltz

You wonder where in the Sam Hill Miss Cheap is when we need her the most. —Del Tinsley

You remember riding “Kick Booty” at the Italian Street Fair. 

you use the front page of old Nashville Scenes to cut up and roll colorful paper beads in order to make necklaces out of to sell to unsuspecting tourists at your “pop-up” sidewalk shop on lower Broadway or at one of the Artisan Festivals in Centennial Park, or at one of those weird storefronts in Hillsboro village on a commission.

​​You think it is Christmas because you hear Bing Crosby singing What do you with a genneral after he is done being a general? 

You have had dinner at Jimmy kelly,, resturant . 88 years in business.

You say “Sir” and “Ma’am”, more than “Please” and “Thank you”. Lived in Nashville for two years (2016-18). Otherwise, West and Midwest. Born in Knoxville, TN.

You’re still trying to figure out why $50 Cent was hanging upside down during the Super Bowl halftime show?

no joke were simply cutting the grass and checked your email mid-beer and saw you were on Carrie Underwood’s marketing team email by accident. So then you just sat there like a ghost for probably over several days and watched all these people from Ticketmaster and her label talk. Then, one night, randomly....you just replied “this is awesome!”. And you never heard back again. This is a true story.

You somehow think that refried beans ARE NOT a form of musical friut

your late parrot’s final words were “Damn, my parrot is dying.”

I ask for a martini with onions (a Gibson) and receive a martini with sliced onions in my glass!

You really wish they’d go back to listing authors on the Weirdies. You’re proud of those.

You just found your saved last issue of the Banner. —Hershell Warren

You are nice and considerate of all people. —Russell Collins

You’ve participated in all 34 “You Are So Nashville If …” contests. —Bill Dixon

Your family has a hot chicken recipe it has passed down for generations. —Kaleb Waller

You never meet a stranger. You know that sweet tea is not the only thing sweet you find in Nashville. If you know Nashville is not only a place for finding good food and great times, it’s also a great place to meet people that have a kind sweet heart. Just like the glass of sweet tea you get served while you enjoy the people you meet just walking down the street, or sitting at the table next to you. —Lisa Taylor

You read a hard-copy version of the Scene at Arnold’s. —Jim Flautt

You know you’re still a Wall of Weiners champion at Cori’s Dog House in your heart, and no one can take that away from you. —Matthew Rewinski

You just be yourself! Enjoy the Southern food, Southern hospitality, have fun and relax. —Lisa Christian

Ernest Tubb Record Shop closing ruined your day. —Ben Bartley

You swiped five copies of the Scene’s recent Ernest issue. —Charlie Harris

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. —Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. —Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, “We really kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” —Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. —Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as “the studio audience.” —Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. —Paul Allen

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. —Robert Jetton

1997: You’ve checked your flower bed for Janet March. —Terry Robertson

1998: You’re the only one who doesn’t know you’re gay. —Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. —Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. —Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. —Ken Lass

2002: Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m.  —Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. —Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s instead of health care coverage. —Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. —Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. —Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. —Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. —Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. —David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. —Dana Delworth

2012: You think Bart Durham should direct The Real Housewives of Nashville. —Holly Matthews

2013: You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. —Bill Hench

2014: Your amp goes to 11, but not to Belle Meade. —Zack Bennett

2015: You’re afraid Bob Mueller’s mustache will be torn down to build a high-rise apartment building. —Zack Bennett

2016: Your therapist doesn’t know you’re gay. —Russell Ries Jr.

2017:In June, you were citing Rule No. 48.24-B that states a goal can be reviewed if an inadvertent whistle caused a stoppage in play. In January, you thought hockey was played with a ball.  —Brian Bates

2018: Nashville is canceled. Also, the TV show was not renewed. —Charlie Harris

2019: Your idea of “light rail” means doing just a little bit of coke.  —Katie Wesolek

2020:Your idea of contact tracing is checking for hand stamps from Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock ’N’ Roll Steakhouse. —Megan Minarich

2021:You think Derrick Henry offseason workout vids should be flagged as erotica. —Chase Stejskal

Email notifications are only sent once a day, and only if there are new matching items.